Yesterday, 15 Feb 2020, we lost our baby. This wasn’t our first miscarriage, probably our seventh or eighth, but this one was the most surprising and most devastating.
After “A” was born, we tried to have other children for about 7-8 years, but my wife kept having miscarriages, most of which I was unaware of. We always dreamed of having a big family, hoping for at least six children, but this seemed to be a fantasy. We were ready for adoption at that point, but life kept getting in the way (whether schedules just didn’t line up, or I was deployed, or my wife was working, or finances with sudden repairs, or “A” having some major behavioral issues, it was always something), and with us continuing to hope for a baby, we were never able to pursue adoption like we had wanted.
We had just accepted the fact that we were infertile and having more children naturally was out of the question. Then, out of the blue, “R” was born. She was our miracle baby. A little over a year later, “M” was born, and out of the blue a year later, we find out we were pregnant again, this time with Sam. The pregnancies with “R” and “M” were rough with my wife’s health, and we weren’t sure what to expect with this next one.
Everything seemed fine with Sam, even up to the 13th week checkup the baby was normal and healthy. But as we found out yesterday (week 17), something happened around week 14 where Sam died.
It was a strange day yesterday. We left our kids at home with her parents while we went to a spa in the big city for Valentine’s Day, something we had never done before. We were enjoying ourselves without the kids, relaxing, and having fun with each other.
And then, she coughed, and her water broke. She ran to the bathroom where she started bleeding a lot. We drove to the nearest hospital but they didn’t have a women’s center there, so they took her via ambulance to another one 20 minutes away.
During the ambulance ride, she delivered the baby. We got to the bigger hospital but she was losing a lot of blood (we found out later it was between two and three quarts of blood). Eventually, after everything settled down, she delivered the placenta and the doctor said she was fine now but had to rest.
They cleaned off the baby, and very compassionately gave it a baby carrier with a bear and a note. When I was finally able to look at our baby, I wept more than I ever had. It was too early in its development to determine its gender, but after a day we decided on Sam — for either Samuel or Samantha. I, as a man who prides himself on being strong in the Lord, have wept more in the last two days than I have in my whole life. This was my child, my child that I wanted to hold, and love, and protect, and teach the wonderful things about Jesus. My child that I’ll never get to raise, or see grow up, or even have children of their own. My child whose life begins and ends with our Creator God. I dedicate what little life Sam had, to You: My God, My Savior, My Hope, My Help, My Rock, My Fortress, My King.
I am still devasted by the loss of Sam, but my hope remains in Christ. I know not whether God saved Sam before it’s death, but what I do know is that God is a Good Father, THE Good Father, and I have hope in Christ that Sam is with a much better Father than I could ever be. I would be honored if God were the one to adopt Sam as His Child, and take care of Sam perfectly for all eternity.
The Truth is this friends, because of sin in both ourselves and in this world, bad things happen. These bad things do not define us but act as a mirror to show us the sin in our own lives and in this world. When we see this brokenness, and sadness, and death, we are reminded that not only is this not the way God had designed this universe, but also that our only hope is in Christ Jesus who alone can save us from sin and death.
This life is not the only one we have! After death we will all stand before a Holy, Good, Perfectly Just God and await trial for our lives in this world (1). We will either be found innocent, having believed in the only Son of God (Jesus Christ) with His goodness imputed to us and our sinfulness imputed to Him on the cross (2), or we will be found guilty and condemned for our sin (our failure to live up to God’s Perfect, Holy standard, which is only found in Christ Jesus) (3), and be sentenced to an eternal prison not made for humanity but sent there anyway for our rebellion against a Good, Holy God (4).
Friends, this is why we must preach the Gospel to all people!!! (5). This life is fragile, and broken, and will end one day –whether we get to live a full life or whether we die quickly and unexpectedly, it does not matter– we must have our priorities in order and repent and turn to Christ while today is still called “today” (6). We have no excuses to wait another day or at a “better” time in our lives (3), it must be done with urgency and we must continue in that same faith until the very end (this of course happens only with the Holy Spirit) (7).
What had happened was a tragedy, but it has not shaken my faith, only emboldened it. For Christ is my firm foundation when the storms, and winds, and troubles of this life rage against me and my family (8). This situation has caused me to be very thankful and grateful for the blessings of my current children, and it has also allowed me to not take them for granted, but enable me (for the glory of God alone) to be best father I can be for them, just as God is right now being the best Father to me.
Right now my wife is doing better, she’s tired and sad, but healthy, praise the Lord! I hope that this testimony has encouraged you to continue to pursue Christ with all that you have, and that if you have experienced loss, I pray that God will give you the strength to get back up and fight the good fight of faith (9). It doesn’t have to look perfect, just know that as a believer, you are a precious child of God (10), and that He loves you (11) and desires for you to always abide in Him through the ups and downs and craziness of life (12), because only in Christ can you have true peace and true fulfillment and true life (13).
I leave you with two extra verses for help when the storms come in your life. These two verses have helped me on numerous occasions:
“For God has not given us a Spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” – 2 Timothy 1:7
“You came near when I called You, and You said: ‘Do not fear’.” – Lamentations 3:57
(1) 2 Corinthians 5:10, Romans 14:10-12, Revelation 20:12-15
(2) John 14:6, Acts 4:11-12, 2 Corinthians 5:21, Romans 8, Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 5:19
(3) John 3:18-20, Romans 1:18-22
(4) Matthew 25:41
(5) Matthew 28:18-20
(6) Hebrews 3:13, Proverbs 27:1, James 4:13-15
(7) 1 Thessalonians 5:23, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Hebrews 10:14-18, Philippians 1:6
(8) Matthew 7:24-27, Acts 4:11-12, Isaiah 28:16, Jeremiah 17:7-8, Philippians 4:11
(9) 1 Timothy 6:12, 2 Timothy 3:14, 1 Corinthians 9:24-27
(10) John 1:12, Romans 08:14-17, Galatians 3:26, 2 Corinthians 6:18, 1 John 3:1
(11) John 3:16, 1 John 4:19, Ephesians 2:4-7, Romans 5:8, 1 John 3:1
(12) 2 Peter 3:9, James 4:8, 1 John 2:6
(13) Romans 15:13, Philippians 4:7, John 10:10
This is my testimony. Do not reproduce on any medium unless it first credits the author (me, BenBRockN), and only if it is copied line-by-line in its entirety without any changes. — BenBRockN